Some
days it's still really hard. The depression comes back. The loneliness
sinks in. I know it will pass and all will be well again, but at the
time it doesn't seem like it.
Imagine
going off, living on your own, and doing pretty much whatever you
wanted whenever you wanted, as most adults do. Now imagine it all being
taken away from you. Imagine sitting at home everyday, most days by
yourself. You can't drive so you can't go anywhere. All of your close
friends live at least an hour away. You can't get a job because you have
no way to get there. You can't get your own apartment because you can't
get a job. You have to rely on people for everything from getting out
of bed to getting meals.
I've
been much better recently. Overall, I'm very happy in life. There are
days though where all of this comes rushing back at me and I think about
how stuck I am. I can't do anything on my own. I can't go anywhere
without my mom's permission and someone driving me in her van. I can't
just go out for ice cream. I can't just go visit friends. There has to
be a big event for me to see them, and even then I miss out on a lot
because the people who can drive me have lives too. They have work and
friends and things going on.
This
is why I'm going back to school. This is why I'm not giving up. With a
degree, I'll be able to get a job, then an apartment, and then my
independence. I know things could be so much worse. I am truly blessed
in this life. Sometimes I need to remind myself that. It helps on days like today. On the days where I feel trapped and alone. Because I'm not alone
and I will get through this, just like I always have.
