Hello! My name is Caitlin. This is my second blog on here. My other one I write about my life and random things. I wanted to start another one though, one where I could write only about church, God, and my journey to finding happiness.
I guess I should start with a back story, why I'm where I am today and how I got here. When I was ten months old I was diagnosed with Muscular Dystrophy. I have heard from different doctors all my life that I have different types. I have Spinal Muscular Atrophy but I don't exactly fit into one of the four types. As a baby, I kept getting extremely ill. My parents were told I wouldn't live past two years old. Then they said four, then it was twelve. I spent most of my childhood in Riley Hospital. When I was seven I stopped getting that sick that often. I'm now twenty-two years old. It's a miracle that I am alive.
Growing up in a wheelchair hasn't always been the easiest. I would often get frustrated when I couldn't do something. It wasn't bad but every once in a while I would just get overwhelmed and then throw a fit. I can remember it happening while doing pointless things like playing with toys. I had a hard time playing "normally" because I needed help with so much. I would get so mad when I couldn't change a Barbie's clothes or build a bunch of stuff with Lego's, because I simply wasn't strong enough, that I would start crying and throw whatever toy I had. I remember my parents always coming over and just asking what clothes I wanted them to wear, or what Lego's I wanted pulled apart, and not saying anything about me throwing a fit. After finishing they would give me a big hug and then go back to whatever they were doing. Besides the frustration from the physical weakness, it also led to emotional and mental problems. In middle school and high school I drifted away from my friends because I didn't think I could hang out with them ever. Their houses weren't accessible and I didn't really like having them over to my house. Looking back on those years, I wish I would've tried harder. I was very lonely and started being depressed.
I was depressed for several years before I told anyone. It was very bad toward the end of high school and the beginning of college. I started making very poor choices. I'm not going to get into details on here right now. My sophmore year of college a few friends who lived in my hall knew about these things and were genuinely concerned for me. They were very supportive and helpful. Most of them are still my friends to this day. Without their constant love and support I would not be where I am today.
One of those friends invited me and some others to his church. He played drums for the band there every once in a while so we wanted to see him play. However, with everything going on I wanted to go for other reasons. A few of us went one Sunday in April and I remember sitting there nervous. I hadn't been to church in years, and my church back home was very different. Back home it's your typical little, white church, like you see in movies, with a bell tower and is in a tiny town. We sang hymns, someone played the piano, and most of the people, which was probably around 30 max, who went there were a lot older. This church was full of college student and there was a band. The pastor was quite young too. I remember him reading whatever passage he was discussing that week and not really paying attention. I just thought it was kind of confusing and boring. I thought I couldn't relate at all, but then he started explaining in a way I could actually understand. He tied it in with depression and talked about self confidence. I felt like someone had told him why I had been having a rough time and the real reasons I needed to go back to church. I couldn't believe what was going on; it felt like he was personally talking to me. Everything the pastor was saying I could relate to. All the negative stuff going on in my life was out there in the open, not that anyone but a few of the friends I went with knew that. And then he said that no matter how lonely you may feel God is always there, and that no matter how much you don't love yourself or you think others don't love you God does. I started bawling.
From that day on my life has been different. It took a while, the depression didn't just go away but it slowly started to get better. I continued going to that church and am still going. However, until this year, that's all I did. I wasn't involved in the church and didn't really know anyone there besides my friends from sophmore year. At the end of last year I decided that this year that was going to change. I missed the first two weeks of church but I saw people from there multiple times those first couple of weeks. During opening week a few of them were passing out snow cones and cards telling the time and location of the church. I went over with a friend, who knew a lot of them more than I did, to say hi and get a snow cone. I ended up helping pass out cards and hanging out there for almost three hours. That Sunday my aid came to get me up late so I missed church but I made it to the picnic they had after. I stayed and watched them play ultimate frisbee and then some of us went to get ice cream. I hadn't planned on going because I don't have a van here and I assumed they would drive over, but they all said they would walk with me so I could go too. I was so happy, not about the ice cream (okay a little bit about the ice cream) but that these people I had just met were willing to walk a pretty decent distance just so I could be included. The next week I went tailgating with the church and had a really good time too. I knew this was going to be a very good year.
Last week I went to house church for the first time. I had always heard about it but didn't think I could go because most houses aren't accessible and I don't have a way to get around. However, the same pastor I mentioned earlier said I was more than welcome to go to the one at his house and they would figure out a way to get me in. A bunch of guys ended up picking my chair up onto the porch so I could get in.We talked about Jonah, and again I had no idea how it would be related to me at the time. We started talking about turning away from God and how he'll be there when we decide to go back to him. We also talked about being desperate for God's love, and the point in our lives when we realize that's what we want. People were talking and giving some of their stories and I just kept thinking about all the stuff I was going through back when I first started going to that church. My friend, who I went to house church with brought up his brother who passed away last year which made me think of my best friend who passed away last summer. I started crying. It was an emotional night. A girl then told us, and I can't remember exactly what she said, basically how in other countries many people believe that time isn't limited, that time is a renewable resource. They believe that each day you get to start over. I really like this concept.
I went to house church again this week and had a great time again. I'm so glad to be getting involved more and to be making these new friends. It's really making a difference in my life I think. God is changing my life in so many ways and even though it may not always seem like things are going my way, I believe they happen for a reason. God has a plan for my life, I don't know what that is but I know he'll make it great. Believing this and knowing how much he loves me is changing how I see life and I'm honestly happier than I've ever been.
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