Now That I'll Listen

I've been debating posting this because it's more personal. I'm not the best at opening up and sharing to everyone so forgive me if this isn't very well-written.

I did not go to church this past weekend, and I don't think I will be able to this coming Sunday, due to our van being in the shop. Now for anyone reading this who doesn't know me or doesn't realize the impact of having a broken down van, I'm in a wheelchair all the time, therefore, I can only get in an accessible vehicle. So when our van isn't cooperating and running correctly, I'm stuck at home. I can't just get a ride with someone else, accessible vans aren't just something everyone has. Anyway, not the point of this post. Regardless of not going to church, I had an incredible moment this week.

A little backstory first though. About five years ago, my friend/former RA suggested that I listen to the song "What Love Really Means" by JJ Heller. At the time, I was very depressed and going through a very rough time in my life. I loved the song but it made me cry. The first time I heard it I bawled. The first verse is about a little boy who just wants someone to love him. The second is about a woman who goes to the gym thinking that if she was thinner then her boyfriend or husband would've stayed. The chorus each time ask "who will love me for me?"

The final verse is about a man in prison who is just waiting to die and regrets all he has done. At the end he hears God's voice say:

"I have watched you suffer all of your life

And now that you'll listen I'll, I'll tell you that I...

I will love you for you

Not for what you have done

Or what you will become

I will love you for you

I will give you the love

The love that you never knew"

A few nights ago I listened to the song for the first time in a couple of years. It, again, made me cry but I realized for a completely different reason. When I first listened to it five years ago, I would cry because I felt like I could relate to the people. I was so depressed and felt so alone, even when surrounded by friends. I would get so upset because I too did not feel loved. Something was missing.

This time, however, I cried because I have made it to the end of the song. I'm listening. I know that I have His love, always. Nothing else really matters. I'm in such a better place now; I'm happy. And I truly believe it's because of this realization. I can't even put into words all that I felt while realizing all of this, I just wish everyone could have this moment because it is so fulfilling. I'm happier than I have been my whole life, even as my life is not going according to plan. I know that He has a plan for me and with His love that is enough.

Thank Bryan for making me listen to this song. It may have taken a while but it worked.