Inhale Confidence, Exhale Doubt

Well, tomorrow is the day! Tomorrow my first online course through SNHU starts! It's all happened so fast and I'm incredibly lucky that everything has worked out as it has. Things don't normally work out so smoothly for me, so it's still hard to believe. I feel so blessed to have this opportunity at a second chance.

At the beginning of the year I started a journal titled "A Year Of Happiness". In it, I write everyday about something good or positive that happens. Honestly, I'm proud of myself for keeping up with it still! I have written an entry everyday since the first of January. Last night I had a sort of epiphany, or "aha moment" if you will. I wrote about my realization for today's entry and wanted to share a portion of it.

I was writing that I'm very confident about moving forward when it hit me. I'm confident about all this. The new school. Studying psychology. Generally speaking, I'm not a very confident person. I'm never really confident about what I do, and I certainly never felt confident with my other majors at Ball State. I never felt like this there, not with classes at least. It's just an incredible feeling. It may have taken me a few years but I'm so glad I figured it out. And as one of my best friend's mother recently told me "no, say WILL, not hope. 'I WILL do better.'", (after I kept answering "I hope" when asked if things were going to work out and if I was going to get my degree), I say that to myself everyday.

 I WILL do this. I WILL get my degree. I WILL succeed!

I will forever be grateful for this little piece of incredible advice. It meant so much to me, even if it didn't seem like anything. I am so excited to begin this new journey. I'm confident for one of the first times in my life. I am happy. This is good, I know it. 

A Fresh Start (with a BIG announcement!)

I've been wanting to write this for a few weeks but wasn't sure exactly what I wanted to say, or really how I wanted to say it. So much good has been happening in my life lately that it's a little overwhelming. While I still have my bad days, I am truly happier than I've been in a very long time.

I have never read the Bible. This is something I try to be very honest about. I consider myself a very religious or spiritual person, so this often surprises people. My faith comes from my own personal experience. According to the doctors, my very life itself is a miracle. I wasn't supposed to live past two, and a few times I nearly didn't. In less than four weeks I will be 25. I have seen prayer do incredible things before my very eyes. I have felt His presence when I thought I was alone in the world. Going back to church while at Ball State reminded me of this. With His grace and love I have found my happiness. And the closer I come to Him, the happier I am and the more positive things seem to happen. Maybe it's because I'm looking for it, but I truly believe that is His doing.

I've been thinking that for a while. So, when I finally set out to write this, I decided to look for Bible verse about happiness and came across the following:

"Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." - Psalm 37:4

I love how there is always a perfect verse for whatever you are going through. The "desires" of one's heart can mean anything. For me, it was happiness and self-love. The more I accept His love, the more I love my life. Through all of the struggles He has been my one constant. The struggles are still very real but I know that, good or bad, tough or easy, He has a plan for me. While the last year hasn't been the easiest, things are finally starting to turn around!

In the last week, I have been able to go to a good friend's bridal shower, travel to Nashville for a concert with my mom and aunt, and just last night I got a voicemail from an admissions counselor telling me that I have been accepted at Southern New Hampshire University!!  It's been a fantastic week to say the least.

I have been out of school for over a year now, telling people I was just taking a break. That's not the entire truth. My depression returned and I basically stopped going to class, so my grades dropped too low. It wasn't just my classes I wasn't attending. I stopped going to church, I wasn't involved in any of the activities that I enjoyed like hall council or power soccer, and I didn't hang out with friends, even the ones right down the hall. That's what I regret the most. To the friends who kept reaching out, I'm sorry I didn't take advantage of that last bit of time we had together.

I could've re-applied to Ball State for this upcoming fall semester but I just didn't think that was the best choice for me. I had gone through three official majors and none of them were sticking. They weren't feeling right. A few months ago I decided to look into SNHU, after seeing and hearing the annoying ads for what feels like forever. I looked at the different online degrees available and a few stuck out to me. It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I narrowed it down to psychology.

On a slight whim, I requested more information regarding the program. While I waited for the information, I kept researching about the school, the program, and the courses. By the time the admissions counselor emailed me a couple days later I knew that I wanted to do this and talking with him just confirmed that. So, I filled out an admissions interview, my FAFSA, and officially applied!

It's all happened so fast. Some think that this isn't the right thing for me, that I am just doing this because of a tv show. Yes, a tv show gave me the inspiration and motivation to look into it but it isn't the reason I going forward with it. Every career assessment I have taken throughout my life has suggested going into psychology or counseling. I've always found it interesting, especially with my own struggles. More importantly though, I want to help people. This is something I can physically do to help others. Regardless of what anyone else thinks, I know I am making the right choice. I can feel it.

I am so excited to begin this new journey. This time it's going to be different. I never felt like this with my different majors at Ball State. It's all online, so I can do it while still living at home and continue getting my life together. If everything continues to go according to plan, my first couple of courses start in a little over a week! My major is psychology, with a concentration in forensic psychology. I know I have said I am so excited before, but I really am. I feel like I can't say it enough. This is going to be a good thing I know it!