Rise Up

Hello!

As I finished up my last little bit of homework today I realized just how different this has all been from my Ball State.

In order to get an A in the classes through SNHU, you must get at least 930/1000 points. In one class I have 928.16 and I am still waiting on one grade. In the other, I already have 935 points and I'm still waiting on three grades. I think it's safe to say I will still have a 4.0! It's crazy to still have a 4.0 GPA after three terms. Especially if you were to see my transcripts from Ball State. I was on academic probation more often than not and when I left my GPA was below 1.80...

My life is so different now. I am really happy with how things are going. My self-confidence has always been one of my biggest weaknesses. So the fact that I am actually proud of myself is kind of a big deal. I have kept As in all of my classes so far, I am an officer in two school clubs and very involved in a third, and I have just applied to start writing for The Odyssey for SNHU. I also saved enough money to get a new laptop finally!

Like I mentioned, I am an officer now in two different clubs for school. I am an engagement officer for the book club, and an event officer and engagement officer for the psychology club. I even hosted my first event last month. It was an art show for the book club called "Thanks-Reading" and it actually went really well! I love being involved in these clubs. It's been a great way to meet new friends and to keep me being motivated and productive.

I am excited to be on break but I am really excited for my classes next term! I am taking Forensic and Legal Psychology and Anatomy and Physiology. Forensic psychology is my concentration so I've really been looking forward to this class. The classes opened up on Blackboard yesterday and I already started looking through the stuff. It looks really interesting! I can't remember the last time I was this happy about my classes. I loved the two I took this term as well, World Mythology and Humanities. They were very interesting and I had a lot of fun doing my projects. I am so glad I went through with this. Going back to school was an excellent decision!

I wish you all a merry Christmas and a happy New Year! And happy holidays to all!

Never Give Up, Never Give In

Some days it's still really hard. The depression comes back. The loneliness sinks in. I know it will pass and all will be well again, but at the time it doesn't seem like it.

Imagine going off, living on your own, and doing pretty much whatever you wanted whenever you wanted, as most adults do. Now imagine it all being taken away from you. Imagine sitting at home everyday, most days by yourself. You can't drive so you can't go anywhere. All of your close friends live at least an hour away. You can't get a job because you have no way to get there. You can't get your own apartment because you can't get a job. You have to rely on people for everything from getting out of bed to getting meals. 

I've been much better recently. Overall, I'm very happy in life. There are days though where all of this comes rushing back at me and I think about how stuck I am. I can't do anything on my own. I can't go anywhere without my mom's permission and someone driving me in her van. I can't just go out for ice cream. I can't just go visit friends. There has to be a big event for me to see them, and even then I miss out on a lot because the people who can drive me have lives too. They have work and friends and things going on. 

This is why I'm going back to school. This is why I'm not giving up. With a degree, I'll be able to get a job, then an apartment, and then my independence. I know things could be so much worse. I am truly blessed in this life. Sometimes I need to remind myself that. It helps on days like today. On the days where I feel trapped and alone. Because I'm not alone and I will get through this, just like I always have. 

 

***I'm not writing this for pity or to make anyone feel bad. I'm writing because it helps me open up and feel better. It gives me a sense of what I'm actually upset about without getting overwhelmed.

Inhale Confidence, Exhale Doubt

Well, tomorrow is the day! Tomorrow my first online course through SNHU starts! It's all happened so fast and I'm incredibly lucky that everything has worked out as it has. Things don't normally work out so smoothly for me, so it's still hard to believe. I feel so blessed to have this opportunity at a second chance.

At the beginning of the year I started a journal titled "A Year Of Happiness". In it, I write everyday about something good or positive that happens. Honestly, I'm proud of myself for keeping up with it still! I have written an entry everyday since the first of January. Last night I had a sort of epiphany, or "aha moment" if you will. I wrote about my realization for today's entry and wanted to share a portion of it.

I was writing that I'm very confident about moving forward when it hit me. I'm confident about all this. The new school. Studying psychology. Generally speaking, I'm not a very confident person. I'm never really confident about what I do, and I certainly never felt confident with my other majors at Ball State. I never felt like this there, not with classes at least. It's just an incredible feeling. It may have taken me a few years but I'm so glad I figured it out. And as one of my best friend's mother recently told me "no, say WILL, not hope. 'I WILL do better.'", (after I kept answering "I hope" when asked if things were going to work out and if I was going to get my degree), I say that to myself everyday.

 I WILL do this. I WILL get my degree. I WILL succeed!

I will forever be grateful for this little piece of incredible advice. It meant so much to me, even if it didn't seem like anything. I am so excited to begin this new journey. I'm confident for one of the first times in my life. I am happy. This is good, I know it. 

A Fresh Start (with a BIG announcement!)

I've been wanting to write this for a few weeks but wasn't sure exactly what I wanted to say, or really how I wanted to say it. So much good has been happening in my life lately that it's a little overwhelming. While I still have my bad days, I am truly happier than I've been in a very long time.

I have never read the Bible. This is something I try to be very honest about. I consider myself a very religious or spiritual person, so this often surprises people. My faith comes from my own personal experience. According to the doctors, my very life itself is a miracle. I wasn't supposed to live past two, and a few times I nearly didn't. In less than four weeks I will be 25. I have seen prayer do incredible things before my very eyes. I have felt His presence when I thought I was alone in the world. Going back to church while at Ball State reminded me of this. With His grace and love I have found my happiness. And the closer I come to Him, the happier I am and the more positive things seem to happen. Maybe it's because I'm looking for it, but I truly believe that is His doing.

I've been thinking that for a while. So, when I finally set out to write this, I decided to look for Bible verse about happiness and came across the following:

"Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." - Psalm 37:4

I love how there is always a perfect verse for whatever you are going through. The "desires" of one's heart can mean anything. For me, it was happiness and self-love. The more I accept His love, the more I love my life. Through all of the struggles He has been my one constant. The struggles are still very real but I know that, good or bad, tough or easy, He has a plan for me. While the last year hasn't been the easiest, things are finally starting to turn around!

In the last week, I have been able to go to a good friend's bridal shower, travel to Nashville for a concert with my mom and aunt, and just last night I got a voicemail from an admissions counselor telling me that I have been accepted at Southern New Hampshire University!!  It's been a fantastic week to say the least.

I have been out of school for over a year now, telling people I was just taking a break. That's not the entire truth. My depression returned and I basically stopped going to class, so my grades dropped too low. It wasn't just my classes I wasn't attending. I stopped going to church, I wasn't involved in any of the activities that I enjoyed like hall council or power soccer, and I didn't hang out with friends, even the ones right down the hall. That's what I regret the most. To the friends who kept reaching out, I'm sorry I didn't take advantage of that last bit of time we had together.

I could've re-applied to Ball State for this upcoming fall semester but I just didn't think that was the best choice for me. I had gone through three official majors and none of them were sticking. They weren't feeling right. A few months ago I decided to look into SNHU, after seeing and hearing the annoying ads for what feels like forever. I looked at the different online degrees available and a few stuck out to me. It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I narrowed it down to psychology.

On a slight whim, I requested more information regarding the program. While I waited for the information, I kept researching about the school, the program, and the courses. By the time the admissions counselor emailed me a couple days later I knew that I wanted to do this and talking with him just confirmed that. So, I filled out an admissions interview, my FAFSA, and officially applied!

It's all happened so fast. Some think that this isn't the right thing for me, that I am just doing this because of a tv show. Yes, a tv show gave me the inspiration and motivation to look into it but it isn't the reason I going forward with it. Every career assessment I have taken throughout my life has suggested going into psychology or counseling. I've always found it interesting, especially with my own struggles. More importantly though, I want to help people. This is something I can physically do to help others. Regardless of what anyone else thinks, I know I am making the right choice. I can feel it.

I am so excited to begin this new journey. This time it's going to be different. I never felt like this with my different majors at Ball State. It's all online, so I can do it while still living at home and continue getting my life together. If everything continues to go according to plan, my first couple of courses start in a little over a week! My major is psychology, with a concentration in forensic psychology. I know I have said I am so excited before, but I really am. I feel like I can't say it enough. This is going to be a good thing I know it!

Now That I'll Listen

I've been debating posting this because it's more personal. I'm not the best at opening up and sharing to everyone so forgive me if this isn't very well-written.

I did not go to church this past weekend, and I don't think I will be able to this coming Sunday, due to our van being in the shop. Now for anyone reading this who doesn't know me or doesn't realize the impact of having a broken down van, I'm in a wheelchair all the time, therefore, I can only get in an accessible vehicle. So when our van isn't cooperating and running correctly, I'm stuck at home. I can't just get a ride with someone else, accessible vans aren't just something everyone has. Anyway, not the point of this post. Regardless of not going to church, I had an incredible moment this week.

A little backstory first though. About five years ago, my friend/former RA suggested that I listen to the song "What Love Really Means" by JJ Heller. At the time, I was very depressed and going through a very rough time in my life. I loved the song but it made me cry. The first time I heard it I bawled. The first verse is about a little boy who just wants someone to love him. The second is about a woman who goes to the gym thinking that if she was thinner then her boyfriend or husband would've stayed. The chorus each time ask "who will love me for me?"

The final verse is about a man in prison who is just waiting to die and regrets all he has done. At the end he hears God's voice say:

"I have watched you suffer all of your life

And now that you'll listen I'll, I'll tell you that I...

I will love you for you

Not for what you have done

Or what you will become

I will love you for you

I will give you the love

The love that you never knew"

A few nights ago I listened to the song for the first time in a couple of years. It, again, made me cry but I realized for a completely different reason. When I first listened to it five years ago, I would cry because I felt like I could relate to the people. I was so depressed and felt so alone, even when surrounded by friends. I would get so upset because I too did not feel loved. Something was missing.

This time, however, I cried because I have made it to the end of the song. I'm listening. I know that I have His love, always. Nothing else really matters. I'm in such a better place now; I'm happy. And I truly believe it's because of this realization. I can't even put into words all that I felt while realizing all of this, I just wish everyone could have this moment because it is so fulfilling. I'm happier than I have been my whole life, even as my life is not going according to plan. I know that He has a plan for me and with His love that is enough.

Thank Bryan for making me listen to this song. It may have taken a while but it worked. 

Doer of Wonderful Works

It's been a very long time since I've written. I've started multiple posts but never finished and published them. I will finish them later.

I've been home since last May, I'm not in school this year. The thing I miss the most about being at school is the church I was going to. Lately I've especially been missing it while trying to figure out my life. I miss the community, the worship music, but mostly, the positive feeling and reassurances of God's love and Grace.

My sister, Macy, and I went to church today. A new church for me. It's Easter, so I really wanted to go. I want to go every week but haven't been able to get to one. Since Macy has her license now she drove me. I was really anxious about going to a new church, but also very excited. The church was huge! There was a big stage and big screens to follow along. However different it may have looked from what I'm used to though, it was actually very similar to The Revo at school. And I loved it!

John 19: 28-30 --- After this, Jesus knowing that all things were accomplished, that the Scripture may be fulfilled, said, "I thirst". Now a vessel full of sour wine was sitting there; and they filled a sponge with sour wine, put it on hyssop, and put it to His mouth. So when Jesus has received the sour wine, He said, "It is finished!"And bowing His head, gave up His spirit.

It is finished. That was the subject of this morning's sermon. It being the plan to save mankind from their sins. Finished meaning paid in full.  The quote "It's finished and it always will be finished" by Warren Wiersbe, was used to emphasize the fact that once something is finished there is nothing else to be done, it's complete.

It is often called a radical event. One man, paid, in full, the debt for all of man's sins. Jesus never worked, went to college, got married and had a family, He never held a political position. In fact, He only spent about 2-3 years practicing His ministry, which I didn't know. What makes Him different from other deceased leaders, why He is so remembered, is that He rose from the dead, proving He could defeat death. It was an event. According to Corinthians 15, He appeared first to Cephus, then to the twelve, then to over 500 brothers. After being seen, Jesus ascended and sat down at the right hand of God.

The pastor compared this to when a basketball player fouls out and they have to go sit on the bench. Once they're sitting they're done. Game over. It's finished. He made a big show of it, getting everyone to join in telling him to sit down. It was pretty funny, but more importantly it proved a point.

He ended the sermon by explaining that sometimes a gift offered is not always wanted or received, even when free. Jesus has offered us this gift. It's already been paid for in full. We only have two things we must do. 1. Believe. 2. Receive.

That is what it takes to be accepted into Heaven. I've always been a pretty strong believer. My own life in itself is a miracle and I've known that from a young age. However, sometimes I feel as if that's not enough. I want to do more, get involved in a church, help people, etc. Today's sermon reminded me though that while those are good things to do, simply believying is enough.

I left feeling happier and more at peace than I have in a while. While I know that believing is truly what matters, I am really hoping to be able to go back to this church and continue going. I really loved it, and like I said I miss being part of that type of community.

A New Beginning

Hello! It's been a very long time since I've posted on here, and I was off to such a good start! It's been a rough few months and I didn't really want to write about it until now.

If you haven't heard by now, I am no longer at Ball State. The depression came back, even though I was unaware because I was happy. It's odd how that works. I wasn't sad, lonely, or the usual emotions thought of when depression is brought up. In fact, I was happier than ever. I had a great group of friends, and I had started getting more involved with church, which led me to not only make some great new friends that way but also get closer to God. However, I was getting very tired and unmotivated to do anything as the semester kept going. I wasn't wanting to leave my room, not even to socialize or go to church.

I'm very sad to not be at school anymore but not as much as I thought I would be. Yeah, I miss my friends, the atmosphere, and the independence of living there. I miss church more than anything though.

All that being said, I'm still very happy. I'm getting to spend time with my family, who I missed a lot. I also have time to do stuff I enjoy, like reading, painting, and of course sleeping. I'm going to take this opportunity to enjoy life more, to care for the things I had been missing out on for so long. I still have dreams and goals. I want to continue my education. I want to become successful. Having this time off will help me figure out what exactly I want to do with my life though, I think.

 While having this time off, I have many plans. I have a list of things I want to do, it's combined with my New Year's resolutions, so I thought I'd share them here:
 1. Read at least 50 books this year.
 2. Keep in touch with friends.
 3. Talk with old friends more and keep those friendships going.
 4. Help paint the kitchen and fix up house.
 5. Go through all my stuff and organize it/get rid of a lot.
 6. Read the Bible.
 7. Continue feeling happy.
 8. Figure out what I want to do in life.
 9. Reapply for school.
 10. Enjoy life.

 I feel blessed to have this opportunity. Especially being able to be with my family. I think this year is going to be just fine. :)